Why do I hate Michigan?

My last post was a dissertation on some behavioral observations about Michigan fans on the shallow end of their fanbase gene pool.  I mentioned that someday I would describe my history as an OSU fan, and in order to do that post justice, it was necessary to do some introspection on just why TTUN is just so God awful.

1.     Ugly colors.  Anybody that has to wear those uniforms or cheer for people wearing them is unaware that they are actually enduring cruel and unusual punishment.

2.     "Winged helmet" or whatever the hell that is supposed to be looks stupid and doesn't impress anyone except TTUN fans who derive some inexplicable pride from it.  Even with the fucking wings, the helmets still don't fly except when knocked off their stupid heads by Jadeveon Clowney.

3.     Wolverine is a tough sounding mascot as it is known for being a ferocious predator that can kill prey many times its own size, which is probably why they chose it.  Lesser known facts about the wolverine however, prove to be more aligned with the school and football program upon further evaluation.  For example:

·       The wolverine is the largest member of the weasel family.

·       The ferociousness that wolverines are so famous for is usually reserved for non-threatening prey such as squirrels, beavers, mice, and lemmings.  The "much larger than themselves prey" consists of animals such as adult deer which, like the scUM opponents that they actually won games against in the last decade, aren't all that intimidating in combat.

·       Other nicknames for the wolverine include “skunk bear” and “glutton.”  There’s no additional point here, I’m just mentioning this.

With all of this in mind, the wolverine is more descriptive of the UM football program than even the TTUN brass from the days of yore may have initially intended.  It is also worth noting that wolverines are not indigenous to the state of Michigan, much like anyone who has contributed to any success in the history of the TTUN football program.

4.     That winningest record and highest win percentage bullshit is all due to Fielding Yost beating up on high school teams and the School for the Blind in the leather (pre-winged) helmet era.  Football success is in the past for TTUN and definitely not in the recent past.  It is also not in the present and doesn’t appear to be for the foreseeable future either, at least until the Flintstones invent wireless headsets.  TTUN fans think this hasn’t disqualified them from ‘elite status’ a long time ago and believe they should still be considered in the company of programs that actually win championships that members of the current generation were alive for and were old enough to witness; or bowl games that didn't herald a rapist as the hero of the game.

5.     Everybody remember William Hung, that guy that got famous for being a really horrible singer on American Idol?  What was especially noteworthy and added to his fame was his total lack of awareness that he was really really horrible...he believed his popularity was the result of some really awesome talent that he possessed that people just couldn't get enough of.  Poor William.  Like William, TTUN fans are very proud of something they believe they do well when they actually do it in the most heinous, unimaginitive, and aesthetically horrid way possible.  The 109,000+ capacity of Michigan Stadium enables and encourages incessant bragging by TTUN fans about having the “biggest” stadium in all of sports.  What they don’t say, but everybody knows, is this is not actually due to any structural size or design ingenuity relative to other stadiums.  Quite the contrary actually.  This capacity is accomplished by cramming all of these people like sardines into the worlds’ most enormous pothole.  The best thing that can be said about Michigan Stadium is the ease with which it will one day be demolished as all it will take to accomplish this is to put back the dirt that they took out of the ground to create it.

So there you have just a few of the biggest reasons that this program must be defeated, humilliated, torn to shreds, and mercifully euthanized.  More to come!