This is the first post about college football and I may be putting the cart before the horse but this topic is timely. Some day there will be a post on my evolution as fan of Ohio State football, but this isn’t it. Also, noting my allegiance, it may seem odd that I refer to a certain program by name here. There are plenty of other derisive names to use when referring to that team, and I use them often; but for this post I’ll step back from all of that just to avoid turning this into some sort of rivalry shtick. And one last thing before getting started….I know and continue to meet many great Michigan fans who conduct themselves in the reality based community. These people are great to discuss football with and we enjoy bashing each others programs without it affecting the quality of our relationships. In other words, they are adults. This post is not written with those people in mind. There is another pedigree of fan. This is the obnoxious loudmouth in the bar that gives his snap to snap commentary for the entire game so loudly, that you can't even have a conversation; or the smug jackass who refers to the Spartans as 'little bro' and is completely unaware of how stupid they look in light of the fact that MSU has been dominating UM for 6 years. You know who these people are, but they probably don't. These people are going through a rough time right now and are not mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with it very well. This post is for and about them.
In this Year of Our Lord 2013, it is starting to become particularly difficult to be a fan of Michigan Wolverine football. Luckily, I’m not speaking from personal experience, but the pain is manifesting itself in strange and new behavior that I haven’t seen in members of the UM fanbase until now. The only way to attempt to understand this is to actually imagine what is going on in the mind of a disgruntled Wolverine fan by walking a mile in their shoes. I’ve done this, and my conclusions are the subject of this post. I don’t recommend trying this yourself though. If you go to this place, I must warn you that it is a deep and dark abyss, filled with hubris, twisted logic, and the sound of ultimate suffering.
Looking at things from their perspective, they are a proud lot; boasting such notable things as the most wins, the best winning percentage, and most number of undefeated seasons in the history of college football. Perhaps we should put an emphasis on the word history. The only reason this is still true today is thanks to a man named Fielding Yost, the beloved Wolverines coach of yore. He ended his coaching tenure in 1926 and passed away in 1946. You may already be seeing where I’m headed with this. After the Yost era, Michigan has had to share midwest dominance with Ohio State, even during the years when they were led by their most famous coach; Bo Schembechler. Now it is also worth noting that the John Cooper years (1988-2000) were an era of Wolverine dominance over the Buckeyes. This is not news to anyone, especially an OSU fan who if they’ve read this far, might have just gotten up and walked away. But remember, we are taking a walk in their shoes here. Now the Cooper era was not unsuccessful for the Buckeyes. Under his tenure they were a respectable 112-43-2 for a .723 winning percentage. But as we all know, Cooper’s record against Michigan was abysmal and his post season success was not any better. During this same era, the Wolverines were 121-36-4 (.770 win pct) with 3 Rose Bowl wins and a National Championship. Also notable during this era is the fact that Wolverine fans never missed an opportunity to gloat about this around OSU fans. I’m ok with that. This is college football. This is exactly how it is supposed to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But this sets things up for what comes next. In the post-Cooper era, the Buckeyes have tallied a record of 136-13 (for a whopping .913) that includes 3 trips to the BCS National Championship (winning the title in 2002), and a Rose Bowl win. Meanwhile the Wolverines are off the pace, tallying a 105-58 record, for a mediocre .644 win percentage (remember we're talking about a program that continues to boast about being the most winning program in college football). Adding severe insult to injury has been the absolute undisputed and unquestionable dominance of The Ohio State Buckeyes over their beloved program; beating them 11 out of 13 times, tallying 381 pts to the Wolverines 274.*
*At
this point, Wolverine fans will start bitching like crazy about how
2010 doesn’t count. To this I say, two teams met on a football field
each week during that season, and there was a winner and a loser. Everyone who played against the Buckeyes that year except for Wisconsin recorded a loss, including Michigan. You're team got beat in a head to head contest on the field. Accept it and quit hiding behind technicalities.
So if the normal arrogance and overconfidence of the typical 2nd tier Wolverine fan seems to have been replaced with behavior that you haven’t quite seen before and can’t seem to explain, consider the preface above, and allow the 5 stages of grief model of Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross fame to possibly help you understand this strange and interesting phenomenon.
Denial-
Total pwnage from OSU has led to an epidemic of Wolverine fans uttering the following statement without even being asked: “OSU is not our rival, Michigan State is.” Too bad there weren’t cell phone cameras and youtube during the John Cooper years to expose the absolute falsehood of this argument. That’s not to say that the UM/MSU rivalry doesn’t exist, but the flat out denial of rivalry with OSU is a much needed defense mechanism to protect the delicate psyche from the abuse that the Wolverines have been suffering repeatedly at the hands of the Buckeyes for that last 13 years. You will also see that events taking place in each subsequent stage expose the “OSU isn’t our rival” argument for the complete lie that it is.
Anger-
After suffering yet another loss to the Buckeyes, this gets ugly. If we weren’t their rival, they would just move on. But instead, what transpires is enough to make you feel pity. The Wolverine fan takes to social media placing Buckeye fans directly in their cross hairs. The kitchen sink strategy is such a spectacle to behold that all one can do is watch in disbelief as the Wolverine fan will say any and all of the following:
•
"We suck and you almost lost to us. That means you suck too Suckeyes! Suck on that!!!”
•
"OSU hasn’t played anybody good.”
•
"We still own the lifetime record.”
•
"Buckeyes don’t deserve to be ranked as high as they are. There are way better teams.”
Just remember, this is how they feel about a team that isn’t their rival. And also, even if any of the above is true, they cannot deny with a straight face that the Buckeyes are still light years better than the Wolverines in the 21st century; which has to be a tough pill to swallow.
Bargaining-
This is where the 2nd tier Wolverine fan becomes a huge fan of anybody playing the Buckeyes after losing to them. This was especially true in 2013, where Wolverine fans en masse swore undying loyalty to…..wait for it…..their previously sworn arch nemesis: The Michigan State Spartans. This is where you might start to worry about them when they are home alone. “But we support our state…..” etc. You get the drift. So, you allied with your “true arch rival” because you wanted to see a team that you said you don’t care about lose. Got it.
Depression-
Oh what to do next. I'm a disgruntled Wolverine fan. My beloved program is going down the toilet with no end in sight and now I've hitched my wagon to my arch rival who also owns us on the football field as the only means for keeping my loud obnoxious mouth running. This has gotten me nowhere and nobody takes me seriously anymore. How to cure the boredom? Start trolling Buckeye fans about anything at all just to bait them into an argument. Now if this happens to you, realize that this is an especially delicate phase, and it is best to remember Mark Twain’s advice about arguing if you find yourself in this situation. They are looking over the edge of the cliff to acceptance that their program can only claim any type of greatness because of achievements that occurred in the leather helmet era, long before their parents were even alive.
Acceptance-
We aren’t there yet, and maybe we’ll never get there. I for one don’t care. But we'll know it has happened when the disgruntled Wolverine fans join their betters in the UM fanbase and learn to appreciate their team like adults. Or, a second scenario is their germs of infinite sadness infect the entire program to the point that the “Big House” becomes an empty house. That wouldn't be a bad thing either. It would be a victory for humanity to refill that God awful eyesore of a hole in the ground with the dirt they took out of there to build it.
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